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Grief is Doing Time

I waited for the moment when I knew he would be OK
Twenty-five years of waiting but it never came
I waited for a sign that I would somehow get him back again
Instead I got a phone call and I was never the same

Grief is doing time
A punishment without a crime
He made his mistakes
And then he was gone

Grief is doing time
A grape just dying on the vine
I need to escape
But I can’t move on

I was painless for a moment as it tore straight through my brain
I was numbed by the words I heard like it was Novocain
But the length of the postponement only added heaviness to the strain
And after just a couple months I nearly went insane

Grief is doing time
A wall of tears I’m trapped behind
Can’t quit the ache
and carry on

Grief is doing time
A desolation so sublime
Was it all a mistake
To have loved so strong?

Grief is doing time
Always running from behind
I can’t catch a break
And it lasts so long

Grief is doing time
I asked God’s help but he declined
If he could just keep me safe
Until the dawn

Born Into Addiction

Storm clouds in the distance
They never move any further away
I’m always keeping an eye at which way that they fly
Every moment every day

What do we do with people like you?
So kind and caring, so selfish and mean
You’re a demon when you’re using
And a saint when you are clean

Chaos and Confusion
Surround every single choice that you make
Too fucking high to even to notice
You never give you always just take

‘Cause I was born into addiction
A family’s curse that didn’t choose me
But it chose almost everyone I loved
To lose someone was a guarantee
And to sing like this so callously
Will never bring him back to me
And all the good and bad things that he did
It’s not for me to judge, you see

Older than me
Will you notice me please
Will you always watch out for me?
A walking hero in blue
Can I be just like you?
You saved a life at just seventeen
We just wanted to rest
On our road trip out west
Driving Mom and Dad so crazy
Your strength I’ll never forget
100 pushups a set
I would ride on your back carefree
I would hold you so tight
Cling with all of my might
Feel your muscles just rippling
But your burdens were strong
And as you stumbled along
Everything started crumbling

Can he feel the anger deep in me?
Can he feel how it tears me apart?
If he were here so I could talk to him
Well let me tell you this would just be the start

Because a life that could have been lived in grace
Well it was lost like a drop in the sea
And the peace he’d always tried to find
Well it found him but it hasn’t found me

‘Cause I was born into addiction
A family’s curse that didn’t choose me
But it chose almost everyone I loved
To lose someone was a guarantee
And sing like this so callously
Will never bring him back you see
And all the good and bad things that he did
Is for God to judge, not me

Baby, These Are Dark Days

Baby, these are dark days
But you can’t help me see through the haze
Try as though that you may
The weight of his life still hangs over me

I’m sorry he’s eclipsed
The love of my life who now misses me so
And it has come to this
I’m too wounded to feel your kiss anymore

Baby, these are dark days
I’m crazy and I’m ashamed of myself
Your waiting for me to finally say
That I’ve cast him away like a stone to the ocean

Is it him or you or me
Who’ll win the war for what’s left of me?
All I can say is sorry
That I’ve let you down and you’re so lonely

It’s not fair that I fell so far
Hooked my life to a dying star
Devotion only goes so far
Now it’s coming back to haunt us both

You were there for the worst of it
You always knew he was full of shit
Pity me ‘cause I fell for it
Now it’s coming back to haunt us both again

Baby, these are dark days
I’ve left you while you still love me so
Maybe things will all change
Maybe in time I will learn to let him go

I’m not what I should be
I know it’s hard to see me like this
Please don’t give up on me
‘Cause he’s the one to blame and I think you agree

She Stood Her Ground Today

It’s been a long and trying day
But she made it home OK
And she walks in through the door her plan in place
She made up her mind at ten
But it’s changed twelve times since then
She takes a breath and calls to meet him face-to-face

It goes down, down, down
Down, down, down
Does she really have to stay?
It goes down, down, down
She can’t watch him drown
She stood her ground today

Well it did go so well
His opioids made him angry as hell
And he fumed and foamed and raged around the kitchen
So she left him there alone
And in her car she began to atone
For all the time she had put into his addiction

She was down, down, down
Down, down, down
Why’d she have to stay?
She was down, down, down
Cast around
But she stood her ground that day

Through the course of the next year
She couldn’t seem to quit the fear
A war engaged the battle raged for everything at stake
All the nights she was alone
While her kids faced the unknown
Their father trapped inside a soul about to break
He went down, down, down
Down, down, down
You can’t have it both ways
He went down, down, down
Run aground
Was it choice or was it fate?

Through all the pain and the heartache
Only one of them would break
A bitter night and all alone he met his fate
But she had made it through alive
And came out of the other side
Time revealed her scars would heal and ease the weight

She aint down, down, down
She fought hard and she didn’t drown
She never quit, no way
She’s aint down, down, down
She lives unbound
She stands her ground each day

Time Out

Heading out to a friend’s to leave the mourning behind
Hoping that he can change my state of mind
Why can’t I make amends?
Move myself forward in time?
Stop this everyday feeling of flying blind…

A little company
Is what I really need
A chance to not be alone
So where do I begin?
You know he did me in
Addiction turned his heart into stone
The pain he always hid
But not the things he did
We lived through endless days of unknown
The games he played with me
His lies I could not see
And back into the streets he would roam

So when I stand before my maker
And I look him in the eye
He’ll ask me if I could have done more
But I’ll choke on my reply

Thank you for being a friend
Thank you for taking the time
You’re one of the reasons I can hold the line
I was hanging on by a thread
Now I can feel myself unwind
You gave me just a little comfort by being kind

I know you really care
The pain is always there
He just won’t ever leave me alone
It’s everything he said
It’s deep within my head
It’s in the base of all of my bones
A time out I would take
Or just a fucking break
From my daily confessional
His heart could never mend
This nightmare has to end
A dead man cannot ever atone

So when I stand before my maker
And I look him in the eye
I’ll ask if I could have done more
Or was he always doomed to die?

Never have to play your games no more
Never gonna cause me pain no more
Never gonna be the same no more
Never got to share the pain inside
Never have watch our parents cry
Never got a chance to say goodbye
It doesn’t seem to even matter anymore
I’ve been ripped and I’ve been shattered to the core
Now I feel even sadder than before
Never gonna hear your voice again
Never be there for my heart to mend
Never gonna have my best friend

What Now?

Six years on and I woke up today
Everything’s changed but I stayed the same
Grief was a time machine where I hid from life
Oh mystical mourning won’t you warm me up with your light

But what now?
What now?
What now?
What now?

Out of the darkness and into the fire
Time gave me hope and a just a little desire
No promises broken; no bridges were burned
If I finally feel my heart beat then this is what I have earned

But what now?
What now?
What now?
What now?

What do I do as I move on from here?
From all of the pain and all of the fear?
What do I do as I live for myself?
Now that your placed on the back of the shelf?

Waiting…
Is that a beating heart that pumps in me?
A power circulating
Is it safe to lift me eyes to see?
I never ran away from it
But I conquered shit
I just laid down to take the beating
But I endured it all
And I can still recall
Every minute of my soul bleeding
But now he is gone
And I’m still here
And I’m no longer on my knees just pleading
And I have no doubt
That he loved me throughout
And now his ghost will finally be leaving…

Thunder rumbles across the plains and out into the sea
The storm is fading but its rain stays soaked into me
This song is almost over – I’m close to where I should be
One more chorus to sing then I think I’ll finally be free

So, what now?
What now?
What now?
What now?

A Poor Choice

Friends are like bad movies
They seem to come and go
But when you find a friend worth keeping
Something in you knows
Like a little sister
We watched each other grow
How could I ever missed that I should have stayed away from her
Stayed away

It’s a poor choice in the long run
I’m smart enough to know better
It’s a poor choice now that it’s done
It’s just enough to regret her
It’s a poor choice but damn was it fun
If I had only not met her
It’s a poor choice I made an end run
Now I just have to forget her

I’m just a little bitter
After all that I’ve been through
Opinions of it differ
Depends upon your point of view
It would be easy to rip her
But instead I’ll say fuck you ‘cause
The biggest snake in the grass is easy to stay away from
Stay Away

Was it chance or by design?
Did plot out all your time with me time with me time with me
A perfect murder from behind
You just laid in wait for me, laid in wait

Mailbox Messiah

Late Saturday evening
I walked down to the road
I saw a man who was kneeling
On the lawn that I mowed
And he looked at me plainly
Like he knew there was something wrong
As he rose he said, “Don’t you worry”
And he burst into this song

He said, “Hi, my name is Jesus
Have you heard of me before?
I was here about 2000 years ago
For you a crown of thorns I wore
Yes, I think you know why I have returned
Don’t you try to act so surprised
It can’t really be a shock for me to say then
You’ve been screwing up all this time”

“I don’t like guns
I don’t like greed
I was never selfish to the people in need
I never did drugs
And I worked all day
And I’d never be a member of the NRA
I loved all people whether friend or foe
I was a good man to this I know
I gave my life just to save your soul
Now the world you made is a toilet bowl”

Quite concerned I said to Jesus
“Where you gonna head to now?”
So he pulled out a yellow bus pass
He said, “I think I’ll head downtown”
As he walked away he turned his face to me
Then he spoke and said, “There’s something wrong
Don’t forget the words I sang to you, boy”
And once again he began to sing his song
He sang…

“I don’t like guns
I don’t like greed
I was never selfish to the people in need
I never did drugs
And I worked all day
And I’d never be a member of the NRA
I loved all people whether friend or foe
I was a good man to this I know
I gave my life just to save your soul
Now the world you made is a toilet bowl”

Do You Know What You Mean to Me?

Do you know what you mean to me?
‘Cause I want you to know it
‘Cause I need you to know that it’s real
I don’t want this to be
A dull confession filled with hyperbole
It’s just a simple message so you believe how I feel

Do you know what you mean to me?
‘Cause you’re driving me crazy
And my head’s getting hazy
From banging it
Against the wall of your heart
You hate to talk but it’s not too late to start
Reaching you pulls my patience apart
I don’t care

Could you start to try
To open up just a little inside?
The space between us is the worst place to hide
Away from me

Communication is key
It’s melodrama to the third degree
You think it’s crap but it’s worked for me
It’s what we need

Do you know what you mean to me?
It’s not that complicated
A reason to be celebrated
Instead of feared
You know you’re gonna to give in
Confess to me how your day has been
And we can get back to what’s normal again
To what’s not weird

Do you know what you mean to me?
Your brain aint that constipated
I’m flustered and I’m frustrated can’t you see?
If I push you’ll withdraw
Is it me or is it you with this flaw?
It’s just my ass on this fucking see-saw
Where are you?

Would you please just reveal
A simple thought ‘cause I’m not trying to steal
Your childhood or what else you conceal
So fiercely

I think you know I’m sincere
I understand everything that you fear
The entire point of what we have here
Is to be friends

Around this carousel
You hate my guts while I walk on egg shells
I know this shit is as boring as hell
Who’ll give in?

I should have known you wouldn’t change
And if I thought you would then I am deranged
I guess I’m just a little out of my range
I love irony

Money, Please

Tell me one way that you love me today
And I’ll give you some cash you can take on your way
I’ll do anything so you’ll notice me here
I’ll buy you a car or a 12 pack of beer
I’m waiting for all of your coolness to fade
Perhaps we could talk or make bread that’s homemade?
I’ll wait and I’ll hope and I’ll beg and implore
You’ll say something nice before I’m 64

Instead of sayin’
Can I have
Let me have
Money Please

A darkness descended on both you and me
It happened the day after you turned thirteen
I stand alone in the yard but I don’t hear a sound
Your old soccer ball sits without air on the ground
Is just a little attention too much from you now?
You took the teenager pledge and you’ve kept every vow
You know I gave you my life now I’m crap in the dirt
All I have left is your old preschool shirt

And all you ever say is
Can I have
Let me have
Money Please

Your sister seems to think I am worth more
Than a wallet, a curfew, permission, and a set of car keys
But how much longer will it be good for?
Until she sets me afloat on the breeze…

I’m sorry for all of my neediness now
The earth underneath me has shifted somehow
Letting you go was the goal all along
We all do what we do to find where we belong
It’s never too late to know what you have here
I know in your head that it’s not really clear
The change was so swift and it’s spinning my head
But I got your back kid at least ‘till I’m dead

But you’ll still be sayin’
Can I have
Let me have
Money Please

Oh, Lana

Oh, Lana please inspire me
To write a song as good as Blue Jeans…
Can I lift a bit of your alt/pop?
Your songs depress me but I Iisten nonstop
‘Cause Norman Rockwell doesn’t know what he’s got
But I can never Fuck My Way to the Top, oh no…
I got no shot

Oh Florence won’t you guide me? Please guide me? Will you please guide me?
To sing my songs for all the world to see all the love in me, teach it all to me
I learned from you about the Hunger in Me
It’s good and bad I think we both can agree
You’ve Got the Love girl and you give it with glee
But Shake it Out made me a devotee of you
Helped get me through Side 1

Hey Lizzo I got a question for you:
Baby how you feelin’?
Baby how you feelin’?
Those Boys can be so hard to work through
They’re always wheeling and dealing, so unappealing
But The Truth Hurts when you tell them to screw
They’re the ones who’ll be grieving
While you’ll be healing
‘Scuse Me Lizzo ‘Cause I Love You
You’re music’s got me believin’
Yeah!

Oh Adele will you watch out for me?
Aretha’s twin from Generation Z all rest of them are just wannabes
Confident with steely eyes of blue
Can all my friends turn into Someone Like You?
Chasing Pavements means what? I have no clue…
But maybe someday I’ll get the chance to say Hello to you
If you’re passing through

You Love the Right Way

I’m waking up to a bright sun
I think it’s just about midday
And your lying beside me
For a love song this is so damn cliché

But I don’t care at the moment
‘Cause every feeling that’s honest is OK
I wrap me my arms around you
And this is all I have to say

You love the right way baby
You love the right way
You love the right way darling
You love the right away
For maybe just a few moments
All our troubles just fade away
You love the right way baby
You loved the right way

Outside the world could be burning
But here with you I’m feeling quite OK
A refuge from the world turning
A splash of color in a sky that seems so gray

When is life ever easy?
Well not enough but it’s right here on display
Forgive me if this sounds cheesy
‘Cause once again I just have to say

Back where we started I feel that way again
This time life won’t drag us down
This time luck will hang around

Everything’s fleeting but some moments never should end
This time we won’t let it go
This time we’ll be smart to know
This is what I mean to show to you

Lovely

When I awoke yesterday
To the prettiest sight to see
The way she looked at me
It was the moment that completed me

And she smelled so soft
And her eyes were so warm
Her hair alive, so alive…
The attraction of all that I see
Completely

Well, my heart beat seemed to skip a beat
When the thief stole the words from my tongue
And the sweat seemed to pour and it fogged my eyes
Emotion that’s trapped in the sands of time

When she’s here with me
It don’t really matter
The world just falls asleep
And she knows me
Our hearts beat in time
We’re never looking back

Beautiful words don’t mean anything
Only feelings can say

You’re my lover that keeps me in line
You’re my angel who sleeps to my rhymes
You’re my friend who is always so sublime
So from here to the end of time…

You’ll be my lovely
You’ll be my lovely
You’ll be my lovely
You’ll be my lovely

Born-Into-AddictionBaby, These Are Dark DaysMailbox Messiah